One of the most effective approaches I use in counselling couples is Gottman Method Couples Therapy (GMCT), developed by John and Julie Gottman. Grounded in extensive research (over 40 years) and practical strategies, Gottman couples therapy provides couples with the tools they need to foster deeper connections and resolve conflicts effectively. Below are a few main areas of Gottman Therapy that I find particularly useful in improving relationships.
Key Components of Gottman Couples Therapy
- Manage Flooding: Flooding, “Diffuse Physiological Arousal,” is what happens when strong emotions trigger nervous system overload—fight, flight, or freeze. In relationship conflict; assumptions, misinterpretations, criticism, or defensiveness can trigger a strong emotional response which switches your nervous system into “danger mode” and shuts off communication. Gottman Therapy offers practical strategies to recognize flooding, disengage, get regulated, and re-engage with your partner. I have developed some of my own tools to help couples practice disengaging before things escalate.
- Repair Negative Interactions: Second only to Flooding in importance is repairing. After any disagreement that goes poorly, couples need to repair as soon as possible—ideally within an hour or two. Once you are calm, you can invite your partner to repair. I have developed a useful tool to ensure this happens smoothly. In couples therapy, I use a specific repair format and we practice until it becomes second nature.
- When I trained in Seattle with John and Julie Gottman, I witnessed something very impactful. There was a small group us in attendance (prior to certification) and while Julie was speaking John interrupted to add some research facts. At the next break, I went to the window with my tea. I could see John and Julie behind the whiteboards and they were quietly repairing this very interaction. I could see each speaking without attack and listening to understand. After about 5 minutes they hugged and kissed and returned to the main room. This image has stuck with me for over 20 years—the relationship pros repair even little negative interactions.
- Manage Conflict: Conflict is one of the main reasons couples seek therapy (the second being emotional disengagement). Conflict in a relationship is inevitable ; it is what you do with it that matters. Gottman Therapy emphasizes constructive conflict resolution. Couples learn to approach disagreements with respect and empathy, reducing the likelihood of destructive arguments. Specific tools and professional guidance/intervention are indispensable here so that conflict becomes opportunity to connect rather than reason to separate.
- Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Managing conflict is essential; just as important is connecting in joyful ways. Gottman Therapy emphasizes the importance of cultivating a positive perspective. Couples learn to express appreciation and admiration for one another, which strengthens emotional connection. It is easier to repair when you feel you care for your partner and they care for you. I do a connection assessment with couples to determine how much they need to add positive connection to their day.
- Turn Towards Each Other: Instead of ignoring bids for attention or support, I teach couples to notice and respond positively to each other’s needs. This builds emotional connection, trust, and reinforces a sense of partnership. I call this “tuning into your emotional radar.”
- Create Shared Meaning: Couples are guided to create shared rituals, values, and goals, which help them to construct a sense of purpose together. Shared meaning enhances emotional intimacy and commitment. This can include present and future goals and values.
- Check-In Regularly: I offer a number of tools I developed for couples to check-in and make sure they are addressing needs and issues in positive ways. This fosters good ongoing communication and connection, and helps couples adjust before things escalate.
The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy offers a comprehensive framework for couples seeking to improve their relationship. This is enhanced by my years of working with couples and my intuition as a therapist—not every couple is the same and unique approaches need to be created on the spot. By focusing on self-regulation, repair, friendship, respect, and effective communication, couples can navigate their partnership with greater resilience and joy. Whether you are facing specific challenges or simply wish to deepen your connection, this approach provides valuable tools for growth.
Homework to get you started: To get started on your journey with Gottman Therapy, I recommend a simple exercise:
Create A Love Map: Take some time to ask each other open-ended questions about your lives, dreams, and experiences. Aim for at least 10 questions each, and share your answers in a relaxed setting. Be careful to not react, judge, or dismiss your partner’s answers. If it helps, drink hot tea while listening (so that you cannot interrupt). This exercise will help you deepen your understanding of one another, laying the groundwork for a stronger, more connected relationship. Examples include:
- What is your favorite song and what does it mean to you?
- What are some of your aspirations, wishes, and hopes in life?
- What is your worst childhood experience?
- What are the main stresses in your life right now?
- What is a dream you have that you have not yet reached?
- What is a major fear in your life?
- What is your favorite way to spend an evening?
- Who was your best friend in childhood and what is one memory of that friendship?
- (Add similar questions.)
I have been helping couples with Gottman Couples Therapy in Nanaimo (and BC) for over 25 years. Ask me about the tools that can help you and your relationships: