Grief doesn’t knock before it enters. One moment your world is intact; the next, it feels like the ground has given way beneath you. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or the quiet ending of something deeply meaningful, grief shows up uninvited—and rarely behaves the way we expect it to.
We often hear about the “stages of grief”—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While these stages can offer a helpful framework, they don’t always reflect the unpredictable reality of living with loss. Grief rarely unfolds in a neat, linear sequence. It’s more like navigating a stormy sea, where waves of emotion crash unexpectedly—sometimes all at once.
When the World Tilts
When grief enters your life, it can feel like everything familiar has shifted. Daily routines may feel meaningless. Comforting habits might not bring the same peace. You might find yourself swallowed by sadness, gripped by unexpected anger, or caught in mental spirals filled with “What if I had…” or “If only…”. Even simple tasks can feel monumental.
This experience is deeply personal, and no two grief journeys are the same. Yet, many of us still cling to the hope that there’s a “right” way to grieve—that we should be moving through these phases in order, checking off some internal list toward healing.
But the truth? Healing isn’t linear. And expecting it to be can make you feel like you’re failing at something that was never meant to follow rules.
Grief as a Landscape, Not a Ladder
You might feel moments of acceptance, followed by renewed longing. A memory might trigger tears months—or years—later. You could feel anger and gratitude in the same breath. And that’s okay. There’s no timeline. No checklist. Your grief is shaped by the depth of your love, your relationship to the loss, your personality, and the support surrounding you.
So How Do You Navigate the Chaos?
There’s no magic cure for the pain of loss. But there are ways to make space for it, to move through it gently and with care. One of the most powerful tools? Self-compassion.
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a close friend who is struggling. This means recognizing that all of your feelings—however intense, inconvenient, or confusing—are valid.
Another powerful practice is something called the PAUSE method, which offers a gentle structure for processing your emotions in real time.
🛑 The PAUSE Method
P – Pause:
Stop for a moment. Take a breath. Notice what’s happening inside and around you.
A – Allow:
Give your emotions permission to exist, without judgment. Don’t try to fix, analyze, or run from them.
U – Understand:
Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural response to loss. You are not broken. You are human.
S – See:
Notice the primary emotions rising to the surface. Is it sadness? Anger? Fear? Numbness? Try to name it gently.
E – Express (or Explore):
Once you identify the feeling, find a healthy way to let it move—write in a journal, talk to someone, cry, create something, or simply sit with it. Avoid layering on secondary emotions like guilt (“I shouldn’t still be feeling this”) or shame (“Why can’t I just move on?”). These only add more weight to your pain.
Other Ways to Support Yourself Through Grief
- Let yourself feel. Even the uncomfortable emotions. They are part of the process.
- Be patient with yourself. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. There will be ups and downs—and that’s normal.
- Lean on others. Share with a trusted friend, join a support group, or seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
- Prioritize self-care. Eat, rest, hydrate. Even small acts of care are meaningful.
- Do something meaningful. Engage in activities that bring even a small spark of purpose or comfort.
- Honor your loss. Find personal ways to remember or celebrate who or what you’ve lost—a letter, a ritual, a photograph, a story.
A Testament to Love
Grief is not a problem to be solved—it’s a testament to the love and connection we’ve experienced. It’s messy, nonlinear, and deeply human.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re grieving.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck in your grief, I offer a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your feelings and develop tools to support your healing. Reach out today for a consultation.